He Won’t Let Go of the Past

Monday, 14 December 2009 00:00

Dear Tonja,

I have dated someone for 6 months.  We are intimately attracted [but have not had sex]. (We have the same profession, biking interests, and can talk about everything.) He cannot however, let go of the past.  (Specifically his live-in girlfriend who he has told, “This is not working”.)  He wants to remain friends and for them to continue seeing each other.  Tonight we reaffirmed our commitment to each other and each other’s needs.

How can I have him in my life, and in what type of relationship?  We did discuss starting a lover’s relationship.  He has met my family, and we are making a plan so that I will meet his.  What will make him let go of his past?  I want him in my life.

M

Dear M,

Thank you for writing a letter that poses a universal issue for many people: the other woman.  Unfortunately, you are stepping into a danger zone.  Here are some signs that are warning you about this man.

Is he still in love with her?  If he says he doesn’t want to “hurt her feelings” what is he doing to yours?  By hanging on to her, he will wind up hurting her more.  Before they can remain friends, they need to separate and have a time of distance.  During that period of time, they may wind up going back to each other.  This happens every day.

WHAT does the girlfriend know about you?

If she doesn’t know of your relationship with him, how can you trust being with someone who does not tell the truth  …to you and to her?  Another red flag is: does he have a pattern of going directly from one girlfriend to another with no down time?  Are you aware that he may treat you this way some day?

WHAT did you tell your family when they met him?

Do they know that he has a girlfriend living with him or who thinks she has a relationship with him?  If not, then you have entered his web of deceit.  What does he tell his parents about you and about her?

HOW is he going to get his ex girlfriend to leave his home?

Is he waiting for her to make the decision by being distant with her?  Does he want to be blameless?  Beware of “good guys” who don’t want to tell the truth, can’t do the hard thing in the hard moment, and don’t have the courage to face what is going on.

Take a look at your requirements for a relationship:

Do you want a commitment or do you want a mini-marriage?

A mini-marriage is an exclusive relationship without a commitment, so you are out of the dating stream but you do not have a promised future together.

If you do, this guy is not a good bet.  Look at all of his behaviors toward this other woman and ask how you would feel if he did them to you.

Is he willing to go to counseling with you?  Is he willing to look this girl in the eyes and ask her to leave?  Is he willing to look at himself and search for the answers as to why he is behaving the way he does? If he thinks his behavior is acceptable, you have made a challenging choice.  If he is willing to search for a way to face the truth, there might be hope.

What can you do?  After answering all of the above questions as honestly as possible, think about this:

• He might want two women in his life that he loves, but chooses to have an affair behind the back of one of them.
• You cannot make anyone do anything.  Being exclusive with you has to be his decision.
• Tell him what you want and if he is not ready to give you an exclusive commitment, you need to walk away.  However, you have to mean it.  It can’t be a ploy to get him to come to you.
• Study the subject of boundaries, because you need better ones, as indicated by this situation.  You need to draw the line about what is okay with you and what is not and hold to your word.

There is more to look at here than just his “letting go” of her.  This is a question of character, honesty, and doing the right thing.  You deserve better than this.  Remember that… and maybe it will give you some steel in your backbone to do what you need to do…for everyone concerned.  You can be better; you can do better; and, you truly deserve better.

You have my warmest thoughts.

Very best to you,

Tonja