The 5 Biggest Obstacles to Dating
Monday, 22 March 2010 18:45
My job as a coach is about empowering singles to find the life and love they want. As I listen, watch, care, and remember the single’s struggle, I notice certain themes of behavior that crop up on a regular basis. Recognizing the signs of what many singles are doing and the messages they are telegraphing helps bring them the insight needed to break unproductive habits.
If you are not dating as much as you would like to, pay attention to some of the following. Here are the 5 BIG obstacles to dating:
- Edgy
Some singles carry an edgy posture—like a boxer entering the ring. Their gestures are somewhat jerky, moving back and forth wi.th a certain tension, almost like they are ready to take a punch—or deliver one. If you have an edge to your voice, movement, or to other actions you take, you are probably not aware of it. The people in your life might have come to see and accept this as part of you. Edginess can happen when you live with the reality that ultimately everything in your life is your responsibility. Being alone out there in the world to negotiate everything by yourself, from buying tires to taking out the garbage, can give you this characteristic.
- Defensive
A woman taking care of her life on her own wants to be taken seriously. After all, she’s doing it by herself, so when she speaks, she wants to be heard. But if she isn’t, she can start to get defensive. People can be defensive for lots of reasons, like, if you hang out with mostly couples who look at you with a pitiful eye and basically think you “need” someone…that attitude can affect you. Defensive men or women who are vulnerable from a breakup can also unconsciously be full of quick, knowing answers, or talk in exaggerated explanations and declarations. If you are doing this, it makes it hard for people to have a mutual dialogue with you. Ask your friends if you sound or act defensive when you are out socially so you can do something about it.
- Projection
Shortly before or after you breakup from a long-term relationship, you may meet someone else. This is an understandable but potentially dangerous thing. You do not have the emotional underpinnings to see a potential romantic partner clearly. You are vulnerable, probably starved, lonely, and often isolated. You are confused about your worth, your talents, and even… your destiny. In the middle of this emotional overload, you may meet someone and begin to project feelings, hopes, dreams, and longings onto them. People who are newly single are often full of projections— about their work, their personal plans, and especially, a romantic partner. If they are frightened, lonely, and emotionally unprepared for their new life alone, they may see a potential Prince or Princess Charming in almost anyone they meet. That’s the problem with projection. It can get you in a lot of trouble.
- Rejection
The mere thought of rejection is like an infectious disease—it spreads rapidly and has no mercy on its victims. It can be fatal, not only to your physical health, but to all of your relationships. Once the idea of rejection takes hold of your mind and your spirits, it’s hard to shake it off. Remember: you have the power to re-direct your focus to a helpful, positive attitude. Keep the focus on what is good for you and what and who feeds you.
- Stuck
If you are stuck in a life where you are the fly in the molasses—no matter how hard you try—and you can’t get out, you will feel all of the above limitations and a general “giving up” attitude. If you are single and nothing is happening socially or date-wise, and this has been going on for an extended period of time—like 6 months—you need a major shakeup. Chances are, you’re probably more stuck in your negative mind set than anything else.
The good news here is that obstacles can be removed. There is no bad news. Nothing has to keep you from having what you want. Work on some of the above if you think you may have some blocks to the life you dream of. You can become a savvy dater.
HAVE A FABULOUS WEEK!