Straight from the Heart
Monday, 26 April 2010 00:00
Several years ago, I met an incredible man at a business convention. We were co-chairs of a seminar that required we meet often for planning. The attraction was mutual and fierce but though I am single, he is not. We have kept good boundaries but it is becoming increasingly difficult to not follow my heart. Last week, he opened up and expressed his feelings, which overwhelmed me. He wants to leave his marriage and to know if I would consider a long-term relationship with him. What do you advise?
So Overwhelmed
Dear SoO,
Thanks for your letter written straight from the heart. This is a time, however, when you need more than your heart to guide you. Even when you are blindsided by chemistry and the feelings of love and longing, you have to use your head. This is your life and you get to do what you want, but in order to protect your heart, and for many other reasons, you would be wise to consider:
The significance of your values.
If you believe in trust, honor, and fidelity, and if you accept his proposal, you will be going against those values. When you don’t honor the guiding principles in your life, you experience depression, as well as anxiety, fear, and doubt. Any time we don’t adhere to our deeply held personal morals, we pay a price. And it’s high.
He’s still married.
If his marriage is in jeopardy, this is something he has to work through with his wife. Your presence only confuses the issue. His breakup will be very costly to you emotionally if you stick around to be a part of it. As he talks through the many aspects of his feelings about his wife in terms of what they once had, his anger or hurt, and his emotions centering on his former family, you will find that these words may haunt you for the rest of your life. Draw a boundary and think twice about jumping in the middle of something that is his to handle. Further down the road, you’ll both be glad you did this.
The focus of what your time together will be about.
It’s one thing to be absorbed in business events and sharing mutual ideas; it’s quite another to be in a personal relationship. Falling in love needs to be a time for two people to discover each other. It will be difficult if not impossible for you two to see each other through the fog of guilt and family problems that are weighing on him. What will his extended family think of you? Will they be welcoming? What will your family think of him knowing he is still married? Guaranteed there will be questions about his breakup. These reactions, opinions, and judgments will put a strain on your feelings and time together.
Answering the following questions:
Is your current life where you want it to be? Do you have friends, financial security, and a social life without him? Honoring your present and future should be your primary concern.
During the time it takes for him to separate and finalize his divorce, what will your life be like? Can you be honest with your friends and family? Can you go out socially? How often will you be the sounding board for his pain; or his therapist for his growth and insight? Is this the job you really want? Is this the foundation you want to build a relationship on?
I am not saying it is impossible for this relationship to have a future. I am saying this is not the time to try and build it. My advice is that you get fully engaged and invested in your life, doing fun outings with great friends or getting absorbed in your passionate interests. The worst thing to do would be to stop socializing with others, sitting at home obsessing about him.
The best chance you have for this romance to survive and grow is to back away and watch from a distance…with a certain detachment. Is he truly going to leave his marriage? If he does and he re-surfaces later, fully divorced, free, and at least moderately healed, you both can move forward exploring your potential of being together. Anything before that leaves you in the place of being vulnerable to being used, though that may not be his intention at all.
You have some critical issues to process, so get yourself to a coach or therapist to help you sort things out. You need an objective voice guiding you. If he becomes available, you would be wise to go to a counselor with him. You can then address your future—straight from the heart.