Rebound Romance

Rebound Romance

Monday, 01 February 2010 00:00

When you start a new relationship before you’ve barely left the old one, that’s referred to as a rebound romance.  Sometimes, you can literally be moving your belongings from one person’s house to another, with no down time for yourself in between.  In this situation, you may swear that your new relationship is “my one true love”, “the best thing that’s ever happened to me”, and a “soul mate” connection.

What are the motivating factors that would drive you to make this type of decision after a breakup or divorce?  Lots of very compelling emotions, like: fear of the unknown, a strong conviction that you are doing what’s right for you, pain from your past relationship that you want to escape, financial worries, and even, strong feelings of love for the new object of your affection.  Unfortunately, while you may be running from a hurtful past, you may also not be taking the opportunity to learn from it.  In wanting and needing someone to soothe you, take care of you and love you, and become your immediate replacement for a partner, you may be setting yourself up for a disappointment.

Trying to heal your old wounds through someone else is not a great way to begin a new relationship.  Research is not on your side in this arrangement.  Less than 2% of couples that started their romance as an extra marital affair stay together.  The issues that caused the first breakup, the expectations that go into a new relationship, and the projections placed on the new partner all conspire to cause a breakup.

So what is it that you need to know that can help you steer a safer course through the rugged waters of transition?

This is when a coach or a counselor will be invaluable.  You want to clean up the emotional litter you just left, make your apologies, forgive yourself for whatever didn’t work, and not use your new relationship as a distraction from the pain of the last one. People rush into new relationships to try and forget the anguish they’ve experienced.  What often happens is like a double whammy: the unresolved problems of the past and the very real struggles of the current relationship converge into a larger challenge than you bargained for. Instead of getting away from your unhappiness, you may have unwittingly created a wider canyon of grief.

Many people leap feet first into new relationships, which are totally unsuited for them, because they are blinded by the stark reality of being alone.  However, desperation will fade if you feed yourself the emotional sustenance necessary to become strong enough to stand on your own.  You need the bricks of a profession, or, at the very least, a career path.  You need the safety net of financial security, loving friends, passionate interests, and sound health routines.  If your emotions are still shaky, take yourself to a coach or therapist to build yourself up from the inside out.  Desperation is like a bully—it will chase you and chase you until you stand up to it.

Whenever something doesn’t work out that you have invested a lot of time, energy, projection, and emotion into, the least you deserve is to take a look at what went wrong.  What can you learn from this past relationship before you get in another one?  For instance, do you think it failed because he cheated on you? Dig a little deeper.  Do you have a history of attracting people who will betray you?  If so, dating a cheater is no accident on your part.  Ask yourself when and how you betray yourself?  And what is your inner voice saying that makes you think you don’t deserve loyalty?  If you can see, accept, and learn from your participation in the demise of the relationship, you will have less need for a rebound partnership.

You aren’t ready for a new relationship until you have let go of the past one.  Healing is a process...not just a thought.  It takes time, nurturing, growth, insight, rest, and a break from getting romantically involved with anyone.  Only you can know when you are over your past love, but if you still look for him in a crowd, keep his number in your speed dial, look him up on Facebook, and ask people about him, you need a little more investment of love into yourself.

Falling in love too fast, making rash decisions, and living in a space of total denial about your new relationship are all signs that you are about to create a bigger mess than the one you just left.  Give yourself the gift of a counselor—and time— which can help you get your bearings.  You deserve to understand where you’ve been, where you are now, and where you want to go.  This is your time to embrace a new life—and even…your forgotten dreams.  It’s hard to do that when you’re in the middle of …a rebound romance.