Letting Go of the Ex
Monday, 09 August 2010 00:00
Often, when people break up, one person wanted to leave and the other one wanted to stay. Sometimes, the one who was left didn’t realize the relationship was over, was unaware of what he or she was doing to contribute to the breakup, and didn’t understand how important their partner was to them—until it was too late.
The person who is left behind is usually in shock, denial, pain, anger, and a state of confusion. Months, and even years, can go by while they put their love life on hold and wait for their partner to return. And whom do you think this happens to more—men or women? You would be right if you said men. Fifty percent of them say they never saw the breakup coming.
Whether you left someone and now wish you hadn’t, or he or she left you, if you find yourself pining for your ex, watch out for the excuses that you may use to stay attached. All of the following will keep you from letting go and moving forward into the life you want:
1. Staying Friends
This is a tricky one and will play racquetball with your heart—and your mind. Yes, there are lots of compelling reasons why you want to stay civil, friendly, and kind to your former mate. You may have children, family members, business colleagues, and joint financial ventures that you need to talk about. Yes, you need very good boundaries when you relate to each other. No, you do not need to hate your ex, nor should you say mean things about him or her to family or friends in order to “rally the troops” to your side. But the biggest NO-NO is to use the disguise of a friendship as a way to hang on, hang in, and wait for their vulnerable moment to need you again. Too many times, people say they’re “just friends” because they’re waiting for the other one to come back.
2. Just Checking In
This is the same thing as “just hanging on.” People say they want to “see how you are” because they really want to see if you’ve changed your mind. Check in with your mom and dad; check up on your old friends; check out the social scene when you’re ready to date. But do none of these things with your ex. Try “just checking in” with yourself, seeing what you need to do for you to make your life vibrant.
3. Trying To Make Sense of the Breakup
This is simply another ploy; another excuse to call the ex and try to get engaged in a conversation. Don’t do this. He or she may feel so guilty they will try to explain it, but you won’t gain any points by doing this. If you truly want to make sense of what happened, take yourself to a counselor or relationship coach and look at your past behavior patterns and results. Finding closure to a past relationship and letting go of the ex is an inside job—and it’s your job.
4. Giving Things Back to the Ex
If you still have his sweater, treadmill, or lawnmower, there are lots of ways you can return these items without a major showdown or meeting. If he left and you are using the excuse of the possession of his furniture, and the return of it, as a way to see him again, let it go. Have his friends come and get it, have your friends take it to him, or hire someone to do it. Every time you find what you think is a legitimate reason to call or see him, you lose your dignity. You slip a little farther away from the person you want to become, which is strong, proud of yourself, and happy in your new life.
5. Being Needy— So She’ll Come Back
No, she won’t. Women—and men— are attracted to confident people who are wise enough to get on with their lives. If you have to be terribly needy to keep her, you have assigned yourself to being a victim. No one will ever be happy with you, or around you, if you accept that role in order to keep her—least of all, you.
Some people have great difficulty letting go of the ex when they are predisposed to being obsessive-compulsive. If you find that you cannot think of anything else except the love you “lost,” and this goes on for months and years, seek some guidance. There is help out there for you.
The best part of getting over the ex is, you can use this moment as a catalyst to find your way to a new focus, a new you, and a new life. No one says it’s easy, but you can do it. Now… isn’t that part exciting?