Know When To Hold 'em And When To Fold 'em
Monday, 25 August 2008 00:00
Dear Tonja,
I need some dating advice. I am a 57-year-old woman and the guy I am seeing is 60. He just got out of divorce number four. He is wealthy and has moved a 35-year-old into his house as his girlfriend. I live in another city and he says he wants both of us in his life. He is older than her mother or her father. Is there something wrong with him?
Signed, Terribly Hurt
Dear Hurt,
You are not alone in your pain. As improbable as it sounds, we can all find ourselves in this same predicament. We can get cornered and think we have few or no choices. We think there is only one job or one school or one house for us. In your case...it's this one man. You can't see your options or your opportunities and therefore, look to see what is wrong with him, as if he would or could change his behavior for you.
Let's look at what you are saying:
Denial
You think you are in love with a man who has another much younger woman living with him? First, your relationship is not mutual. If you accept this arrangement, you are acting more like a mother to him than as an equal. And why would you want to be with someone who treats you so badly?
Deception
Obviously, this man has been deceiving you, to string you along as if you matter to him and then to live with someone else. You are deceiving yourself if you think he can care about you in any deep abiding way. What is it you want from him? Do you look for a committed relationship with him when he shows you he cannot give you loyalty and exclusiveness?
Self-worth
Your relationship with yourself is what I call D.A.R.C. This is an acronym for the following:
*Deserving. You are acting like you don't deserve a great love in your life who loves you back. You deserve someone wonderful. You deserve a man you are attracted to who shares your values, and who is loyal, tender, kind, and accomplished. If you do not feel you deserve such a man, look for a counselor or a coach.
*Age. Women are sensitive about age. We are acutely aware that men can and often do choose younger women for mates. However, not ALL men choose someone younger, and for those men who are only looking for youth, you don't want them. Breeze on by this type of person. Focus on what you can do, on whom you can find, and let go of what is never going to be.
*Role Models. Somewhere, you absorbed a role model and a belief that says men are in charge of your life and your happiness. The reality is, you can be in charge of your destiny if you shift this thought.
*Choices. If you felt you had more choices in men, would you want this man in your life? When we shrink our life down to zero possibilities, we obsess over trying to make something work with someone unsuitable. A perceived lack of choices can make you hold on.
Why cling to a relationship that makes you feel bad when there is a world of opportunity waiting for you? You can't get boxed into a corner thinking you only have one hand to play. As the old song goes..."You gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em..."
You can do it.
Tonja