Excerpt

Strengthening Your Boundaries

You may not believe it, especially if you have gone through a bitter and difficult breakup, but there are hidden treasure under the fragments of your divorce. As I mentioned in the introduction, the TAO, or the way, of divorce is a process that works through you. At this stage of your development, the unresolved challenges between you and your former partner may look like the rocky sediment at the end of a receding glacier. But in fact, when you put light on what seemed like debris, you'll be able to see the glimmer of insight.

The blessings and revelations from your former relationship are immeasurably valuable in forming your Take. When you observe your past through a different lense, you will be able to see how you want to structure your future. What could be more important than that?

So how do you create a divorce that's peaceful when there is so much potential for disharmony? What can you do to find a new way to look at the issues you have struggled with in your relationship, to get the wisdom that can be found there?

The most important resource you need is boundaries.

When you grasp the power of boundaries and develop the mastery to use them effectively, nothing will ever look the same again. You need boundaries now, when you are stretching to find the best way to relate to your ex, your former in-laws, your co-joined business colleagues, and your mutual friends.

Boundaries are actually not foreign to us. We learn about them throughout our lives. We're just not always aware of how to use them to take care of ourselves. When we start to understand them, we remember many situations where a boundary set needed parameters in place.

One autumn, I went home for Thanksgiving. Nearing our house, I could smell the familiar scent of my father's stockyard mingling with the crisp November air. I stepped into the house and was greeted with the familiar aromas from my mother's kitchen, which I inhaled deeply to savor. My sister and mother were putting the finishing touches on dinner and my eyes feasted on the traditional holiday fare: candied yams, mashed potatoes, hot rolls, dressing, cranberry sauce, and . . . what was that? Was that stringy, grizzled, buzzard-like carcass lying on the patter supposed to be a turkey?

I knew better than to say anything to my mother, so I took my sister aside and asked, "What's the matter with the turkey?"

She confided, "Remember that old rooster that fell off someone's truck a long time ago? It'd been out in the driveway walking around with the dogs for five or six years. Mother decided to save some money this year. She cooked it."

Now that made perfect sense. Mother had lived through the Oklahoma dust bowl Depression-era years, and she had some strange frugal ways. We all sat down to dinner, none of us saying anything when she put the bird on the table. But when my father's eyes finally rested on it, he looked horrified and confused at the same time. He looked at the bird; he looked at my mother; he looked back at the bird. Finally, he said, "Alma? Did this turkey have a disease?"

She politely said, "No," but there was a look in her eyes that also said, "End of discussion." Which it was, because we were too busy chewing . . . and chewing.

What I know now that I didn't understand then is that not only did my mother have her own eccentric ways of saving money, but she also had a strong set of boundaries around her values. There were some lines you just didn't cross, and we all knew not to cross that one.

What does this mean for you when you are going through a divorce? You need to know how to draw those specific, important lines with others. You draw that line with your words, your gestures, and your attitude that says, "Don't cross!"

Without boundaries, you will keep creating the same level of response from people, which shows up in their demands, expectations, or attitudes toward you. This is especially true in a close relationship with a partner. When you are going through a breakup, boundaries will be your best protection from increased hurt or misunderstandings.

Types of Boundaries

What are those lines and what do they look like? There are four types of boundaries -- interior, exterior, proactive, and reactive -- that will take care of your forever. In this chapter we'll look at each one in depth, as well as how to get them to work for you.