Midlife Daters
Monday, 11 January 2010 00:00
“If you are single at 20, you are just single. If you are single at 40, you have a story to tell.” Dr. Philip Belove, author and psychotherapist
There has never been a time like this one in American history where so many people are single at midlife. According to Dr. Belove, midlife is considered to be the ages between 40 and 60, and if you are single, you are probably not having just a midlife crisis, but a developmental crisis.
Part of the crisis at midlife is having a past of tangled history. The AARP did a study in October, 2003, of 3500 single midlife adults. The number one complaint by 70 per cent of the men and 35 per cent of the women was finding someone to date who was not burdened by “baggage.” Baggage seems to be the biggest issue for individuals in this age range.
What exactly is baggage? One noted psychologist calls it a “constant attitude.” She states that baggage is something a person carries around as a chip on their shoulder. Baggage is something that has happened to the individual in the past, and he or she cannot put it down.
Other theorists seem to think of baggage as unresolved issues that a person has not worked out. People bring their baggage with them from wherever they were before and deposit it in the present.
It is easy to see how someone might not be aware that they are bringing old problems into a new situation. People fresh out of a partnership may be needy, but that doesn’t mean they are emotionally available. There are certain maturing processes they need to go through first.
However, if single men and women at midlife are willing to stretch and learn, they may be able to be more successful in a relationship than they have ever been. If you are a midlife single, consider the following:
Listen to what your life is telling you.
Don’t miss the lesson. Finding yourself single in midlife can be the enormous wake-up call every human being faces sooner or later. Some people are jolted into deeper awareness when they lose their parents, or a child, or their job. Let being single at midlife be the catalyst to your personal search for meaning. If you have gone through suffering, make it count.
Have the conversations that clear, mend, and heal family relationships. If some relationships cannot continue without great stress and pain, get some counseling and insight. With maturity and wisdom, you can make the choice of readjusting your perspective, choosing your reactive behavior, or letting them go. Baggage is also the history you haven’t thought through. Think about finding resolution before you enter new relationships.
Older people are better at getting to know each other than younger people are. They engage in more complicated conversations. But people often think they are better listeners than they actually are. To be an active listener, quiet yourself and listen with:
- Accuracy. After the person has spoken, see if you can repeat back to them what they have said without adding anything or leaving anything out.
- Empathy. Listen to others without making judgments about what they have said. Unconditional acceptance is rare in a listener, and a gift of love.
- Authenticity. You have your own reactions to what they are saying, as well as being able to hear their point of view. Being a good listener is difficult. It is hard to hold your idea and theirs at the same time. It takes practice and awareness.
as described in The Highest Goal by Dr. Michael Ray of Stanford University. This is a time to rediscover your cherished qualities, let them comfort and embrace you in the present, and guide you to your better life. The work you are doing now is significant and becomes part of the legacy you leave for those who know and love you. Be careful not to be dismissive of the effort you are giving to comprehend your inner struggle.
Don’t settle.
As a midlife single, it might be easy to slip into the notion that you have to take whatever you can get. If you think that is true, it’s time you did some serious work on your self worth. In the words of Dr. Belove, “The difference between women at midlife who end up in committed monogamous relationships and those who don’t is that the ones who do, insist on it.” There is no better time to learn to be choosy and to ask for what you want.
Some people may tend to view being single at this age as a negative experience. But it doesn’t have to be. It can be a transition of courageous growth. Being single in midlife is a huge challenge—and an opportunity of enormous proportions. Dare to believe that your glorious future is right in front of you.