Divorced, Over Forty... And Learning to Date

Monday, 23 August 2010 00:00

Hi Tonja,

I have been divorced for six years. My ex had an affair and left. He lives in a large city and I am in a small town four hours away. We have two kids, both grown. At the time of our divorce, the kids stayed with me, I put them through college, bought a house, got my career on track as a nurse, and the ex just resumed his life without us.

My question is this: When does the pain of divorce go away, if ever? He is now in a serious relationship with someone else. It seems to me that I am the one struggling in life here, where he isn't. My kids mean everything to me and they don't seem to as much for him.

I see him when he comes to visit the kids, and although I don't see us ever getting together again, I can't visualize me being married to anyone else. Does that make sense?  At times I still feel married, but with a spouse out of town a lot. I have dated a bit but nothing serious. Why is it so hard for women to remarry with kids when men go so easily into another relationship?

Thank you for your time.  J

Dear J,

Thanks for a great letter.  You speak for other single women when you talk about your dedication to your children and your confusion about the Ex.  Often in divorce, it feels like someone won and someone lost.  And though you tried your best, you still feel like you lost something.  It’s time to shift this line of thinking to an attitude that will serve you better.

Start with this thought: You are an amazing woman! You’ve shown such strength in what you’ve accomplished… and that strength is what you need to call on now to move you forward with YOUR life.  You have already handled some of the major hurdles that most single women face.  You can put a BIG star by the achievement column of working on your career, buying a house, raising your children, and putting them through college.

Now it’s time to focus on what you want.  It sounds like if you let go of the ex, you would enjoy a relationship with someone who treasures you.  Here are some actions to take that may bring you another star …as in, a guy who’s a star.

1.  NUMBER ONE IMPORTANT CONSCIOUSNESS SHIFT TO MAKE: Whenever we resent anyone, we need to look at our own life. What have you not given yourself?  I can understand if you are disappointed that your Ex has not tried to be a better father.  But if you are resenting his dating life, it just means you need to find a better social life for yourself.  Once you do, you won’t even care about what he is doing.

2.  You probably have been taking good care of everyone but you.  Research has shown that often, nurses take care of themselves the least.  (At my recent colonoscopy, the 55-year-old nurse on duty told me she had never had one.)  Keep your doctor’s appointments, EXERCISE, rest, and eat smart.  And while you’re at it, consider…pampering yourself.  How about a day at the spa and lunch with a friend?

3.  Check your finances. Do you have a cushion under you?  Look to see what you can do now to make your financial life better.  Is it time to “right-size” your home, possessions, or spaces since your children are grown?

4.  What have you been tolerating? People, clutter, and too much to do can drain you.  Whatever you have been putting up with or trying to ignore, clean it up and let it go. You will feel tremendous relief when you do.

5.  Do what you love.  This will bring a big “Oh!” to your day.  Find a hobby or activity that makes you want to spring from the sofa, turn off the TV, and lose yourself in it.  It should be so delicious you will wonder how you ever lived without doing it.  This kind of energy makes you very attractive.

6.  Get ready to socialize. Pull your wardrobe, style, makeup, hair, and schedule together.  Get out often and be friendly.  Ask people to fix you up with other singles.  Check out Internet dating.  There are all kinds of opportunities to meet new friends and dates.

7.  Find your funny-bone. I can’t emphasize this enough: people are attracted to someone who knows how to laugh, enjoy life, tell funny stories, and find joy in the smallest of things.

You don’t need to compare your level of fun and fulfillment with the Ex’s anymore.  That chapter is over.  This is your new life.  You earned it, you deserve it, and you’re going to live it.  Go on out there and discover what’s waiting for you!