Why We Leave

Monday, 18 July 2011 17:09

I was listening to Rob Lowe talk about his best selling book the other day, “Stories I Only Tell My Friends,” and it was obvious the guy has done some work on himself.  One of his comments referred to his experience on the TV show, “West Wing.”  He talked about how he was sad that he had to leave it.  His explanation spoke volumes however: “I would hope that if my children were in a relationship where they were consistently unappreciated… they would leave.”

Does your relationship work?  If not—why doesn’t it?  Some of the basic reasons you might wind up in an unfulfilling relationship are:

* Codependency issues.  One or both of you have an addiction of some kind.
* The relationship was never meant to be—but you are too scared or stuck or rigid to leave.
* Economic/life-style/survivor issues.
* The other person had a family and you wanted a place to belong.
* You became committed before you knew the person well.
* You “settled” because you gave up looking for the person you could be madly in love with.
* The clock was ticking and you wanted to have a family.
* All your friends were in a relationship.
* You entered the relationship on false assumptions, illusions, projections.
* You were/are full of fear.  Fear you’ll never find anyone; fear you aren’t good enough; fear of being alone, living alone, dying alone; fear no one wants you.  All this fear causes you to make stuff up about yourself, the other person, and the relationship.

These may be some of the reasons and forces that led you into an unsatisfying relationship…and this could be why you feel unappreciated.  If so, it may be time for a relationship checkup.

Your relationship is working if you follow the 80%-20% rule:  80% of the time you are happy …and only 20% of your time together is spent on problems.

Should you leave?  After looking at the above points, and then applying the 80-20 rule, you will know if it’s time to consider taking the next step… which is a plan of action.