Life Support Measures for the Single Who's Breaking Up

Friday, 29 July 2011 19:13

I was sitting in a scuba diving boat last month listening to the dive instructor talk about moments of irrational panic in new divers.  At twenty feet…or more…below the surface of the water, some people inexplicably yank off their breathing hose and mask and want to return to the top.  This may be an underwater scream that’s saying, “I can’t cope!” but it’s no way to handle the problem.  In fact, it’s a good way to die.  Obviously…the person is not thinking clearly.  They’re out of their zone of familiarity, they’re disoriented and they’re scared.  They want out of there…back on solid ground.  But that’s not the way to do it.  Very quickly, the instructor returns the oxygen mask to the person’s face and begins to calm them down.

I was struck by this story on a lot of levels.  I have seen people in other emotional situations react similarly…particularly in times of breakup and divorce.  People who are usually normal and rational can suddenly abandon their good sense… at their own peril.  They can suddenly throw away all their life supports and run towards something else.

I can think of three people I’ve known over the course of my life who were having clandestine affairs outside of their long term marriages.  One day, they bolted from their marital homes, quit their jobs (or abruptly sold their business), and moved in with their new partners.  Their actions came as complete surprises to everyone.  They could not have anticipated the uproar this would cause.  Without preparing people and gathering support, they alienated their communities of family, friends, and business colleagues.  It put an untenable burden on the new partner to be the sole support system…which no one can do…which caused the NEW relationship to break up. 

Essentially, these three people acted like the panicked divers.  When under stress, and not thinking rationally, they removed their oxygen and facemasks.  But without a guide to supply them with assistance … and until they could find a new terra firma…they all came to a tragic end.

No one says you’re supposed to stay in a bad marriage or relationship.  You do, however, need to think it through before you leave.  You need to get your ducks in a row: get professional help, have some finances under you, and begin to inform your close friends and family so they can be there for you.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE:

If you are being physically or psychologically abused, talk to someone immediately, call a hotline, tell your doctor or minister, tell a coworker…and get out.