Four Constants That Help A Relationship Work: Beyond Chemistry and Values

Wednesday, 03 August 2011 18:02

What draws people to each other and sustains a relationship?  Attraction and similar interests are not enough.  Mutual chemistry is definitely important, but it has to be joined with values.  If you meet a gorgeous someone and they turn out to be inherently MEAN… that someone will begin to look like Dracula.

Once you establish that you have mutual chemistry and values, here are some other areas that men and women say are important to them:

1. Friends
Both men and women say they have to have the freedom to keep their friends.  If you don’t particularly care for your partner’s friends, it’s best to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself.  If your lover’s pal is basically a good guy, never mind if he eats all the leftovers in your refrigerator and empties out the cookie jar. You don’t need to hang out with them— just allow enough space for them to enjoy each other’s company.   This is why you need a rich life of your own.  When your partner is busy, pursue your own interests.  Give each other room and you will cherish each other more.  (Important point: we’re not talking about hanging out in bars, getting drunk, or flirting with other people.  Obviously, those actions are about more than their choice of friends.)

2. Hobbies
Men and women want and need activities that give them energy and excitement.  When your partner has battery power, you get the benefit of it.  It isn’t necessary for couples to share every single endeavor.  He may want Sunday football games and you may choose weekend tennis matches.  You should not get in each other’s way.  You may feel that if your lover spends the day golfing, he took time away from you.  However, someone who is thrilled to get up in the morning and go do something they love is a fulfilled person.  He or she is more vibrant, happier, and less likely to look for what is wrong with you because they are doing what is right for them.  If you have individual hobbies as well as a lot of shared ones, you will always have something to talk about.

3. Communication
Men and women need and require their partner to tell them what they want.  No one is a mind reader and no one comes with a user manual on how to get a relationship right.  If you are feeling hurt because your lover didn’t do what you wanted; if you are seething because you feel taken advantage of; if you are bitter because your relationship is not giving you what you want—speak up.  Second, find those activities that make you happy.  No one can give you happiness… you have to create your own.

4. Support
Here’s the tricky one.  Finding that balance between what you need and what he needs.  It’s an act of patience, understanding, and generosity.  “Pleasers” will allow themselves to be taken advantage of; unaware people will allow themselves to always be on the receiving end without realizing the exchange is not mutual.  The key is to find that place where you support each other in your life’s work, or hobbies, or friendships, without denying the other one what they need.  This is the happy medium that all great couples seek.

When a relationship works, couples like to come home.  Home is where you’re happy.