Do you Want a Love that is Real?

Monday, 23 May 2011 13:25

When it comes to falling in love, if the object of your affection looks good, sounds reasonable, and seems to feel the same way you do, you may not get it that he or she is not what you think they are.  Even your friends and family could be fooled.  You may hear people say, “You two are just the perfect couple.  You are so lucky to have found each other!”

What’s going on here?  People will often give you the opinion you want to hear.  (Or the opinion they would like to hear if they were in a relationship.)  So you have to be aware of the red flags when you meet someone.  Especially if your vision is blinded by a rush of chemicals.  Combine that chemistry with hope, loneliness, and longing… and you might not be able to see if it’s real or not.

What are the defining characteristics when it’s real?  And what are the warning signs that you need to pay attention to?  Here’s the deal: fake love fades away or evaporates quickly when the chemistry wears off.  But love endures, showing up in the actions and deeds of the two people.  If you’re in a relationship, pay attention to:

1. Obsession
Fake love, which is chemistry only, lasts anywhere from three weeks to a year and a half… and then disappears.  Real love loses the immediacy of the chemical rush, but retains chemistry while it grows deeper and calmer.  The onset of both kinds of love is marked by obsession.  For a period of time, two people in love cannot think about anything but the other one.  They may lose weight, lose sleep, and lose all concept of time.  When this chemical high wears off, the real picture of the person emerges for them.  Getting it right involves…time.

2. Assumptions
Love that is an illusion is based primarily on physical intimacy and what two people assume about each other.  They can see no problems; they cannot see characteristics that may create disharmony in the future; they cannot imagine any imperfections in the other one.  Idealized qualities, lives built on fantasy, and a perfect future together is all they can think about.  The problem is, they haven’t really MET each other yet.  They are relating to their idealized version. When this cyclone of projection comes to an end and the dust settles, the true person will stand before them.  Then they can see each other through a clear lens and decide if they are right for each other.

3. Myths
Counterfeit love feeds off of the stuff of fairy tales.  The women in the story want Prince Charming to swoop in and carry them off to a perfect life.  They will have riches, happiness, and love in a land where nothing ever goes wrong and all dreams come true.  The man in the story, who feels like a frog… and may even look like one… is kissed by the princess and made whole.  He miraculously turns into a handsome, brave, successful Prince.  When two people fall into the chemical cocktail…(the other person looks good and feels good)… it’s easy for them to unconsciously fall into this stylized story.  When this fantasy wears away, it is possible that real love may develop.  But it’s also very possible that it won’t.  The danger is if they make commitments too soon.

What does REAL love look like?  It’s able to get past the chemistry phase and into real time.  Fake love involves conflict, drama, and pain, once the initial attraction wears off. Real love evolves into service, thought, care, and sincere emotions for the other.

Real love happens when two people are not only attracted to each other…they honor each other’s values, standards, and purpose.  They don’t just talk about it, however.  They live it.